Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas! So there!

Whoo doggie, I got lots to say about Christmas! Us ex-Jehovah's Witnesses can go off about Christmas, let me tell you whosawhat's now!

Did you know that some Jehovah's Witnesses didn't celebrate Christmas, but would have "Non-denominational Gift Giving Day"? Then there were the Jehovah's Witnesses who were so proper that they even thought that was crossing the line.

Christmas gives lots of fodder for essays and stories - but it's all for another day. I'm not feelin' essayish. I'm just feeling honest. Joyful, even!

That's lame, right? I mean, to feel joyful on Christmas Eve? What the...? Is that even allowed outside of a card store? Do I need to be wrapped in thin, colorful paper and placed inside a musical bag?

(If you said yes, I tell you now that I am actually writing this from inside a musical bag. I'm one step ahead of you, ladies!)

The bottom line is this: Merry Christmas! You heard me! Merry Christmas! I love that. I love saying it. I love everything about the concept. I love that some people get offended by it. I love that some people are above it all. I think it's all just swell!

People try to act cool by saying how much they hate Christmas, how "commercial" it is. Blub Blub Blub! I hate Christmas! Yeah! The shopping malls! Commericals! Suburbia is like, retarded! Love is so played out! Blub Blub Blub I Have No Real Feelings Because I Am Scared Of Them Blubblublub!

To you I say simply this: Shut it, crankypants! You're not impressing anyone except yourself. The end.

If you were raised as a Jehovah's Witness, you would ADORE Christmas. ADORE IT! Why? Because you wouldn't be an asshole. Because you'd get what it means! It means: we love each other and we're gonna tell each other and then we're gonna eat cookies. There's nothing deeper than that! It's for kids. Now put a cookie in your big mouth and feel the love!

Christmas means you get a whole day off work or school just to unwrap gifts and hug each other and watch television. And, yes, when people buy things, they buy them with money. Get over it!

You hate Christmas? What-the-whatever, my friends. Go ahead and try to take away my smiles with your crankypants hippytime talk. Try it! You cannot! Cuz you know what? YOU CANNOT STOP THE JOYEUX! Ungh!

Here's a weird thing: I was invited to Midnight Mass tonight, by two different friends. It's not the kind of thing I've ever done before, but this year I was blessed to have two invitations from very kind and awesome people.

I don't "do" church. Sure, I go into churches, but I use them in my own way. I eschew any religion that involves one person standing behind a podium and speaking. More specifically, I will not worship in the same room with anyone wearing a costume. Robes of any color are distracting, and beyond that, they are musty and irritate my sinuses.

So, I'm intrigued to go tonight. I think I may have to stand and/or sit at some point. It's an adventure. I'll leave my judgment in a jar by the door along with my face and go listen to Father McKenzie's sermon.

I hope you feel loved today, lonely people. If not, then maybe next year will be better. Rent a movie and get some Chinese food. I've done that before, too. It's pretty cool, actually. Have fun doing that, if that's what you're doing.

Tomorrow I'll be chillin' with a cheese plate, tonight I'll be on an anthropological dig through Catholicism (ever hear of it? I heard they destroyed science!) I am blessed to know amazing people here in New York, but New York is just like that. And like I say, I've done the movie-rental thing too, and I'm no worse for wear that way.

This year, I am blessed. I am peaceful. I am joyous.

Joyeux Noel! Now someone get me out of this musical bag!



Anonymous said...

I Am Sorry Kyria I just DONT get it, After being brainwashed for my whole childhood there is just NO magic about Xmas, the fantasy was drilled out of my head, I cannot share your new found Joy for xmas....New Year's Eve however....what a Great Piss up!!

Kyria Abrahams said...

Brainwashed by the JW's or by the Christmas-makers?

Edward Albright said...

There are JWs who do this and JWs who do that. I'm not impressed when people point out what others do. It is their life, why are you being critical of them?

And tales from a JW Upbringing? Oh please. Don't you mean "The things that you didn't like that your parents did"

Don't confuse the religion with what people do.

Kyria Abrahams said...

Hi Edward,

Thanks. You're absolutely right, it was my life. Other Jehovah's Witness lives were different.

My parents were Jehovah's Witnesses, yes. That is part of my story, but not the whole story.

Thanks for your comment.

- Kyria

Jodi said...

Happy Bad-But-Hilarious Sweater Day, Kowds!

Kyria Abrahams said...

I bought matching ones. We're wearing them to see Marc Maron.

Nathan said...

If/when I have kids, they're going to be Christmas'ed the fuck OUT.

Anonymous said...

Loved the book ---and Merry Christmas - Happy Easter - and all the other Holidays like Hannukah or whatever.

Keep on writing!