Hello there accursed denizens of Room 311! Please forward this memo to each table, lamp, and pencil sharpener who is capable of thinking and moving about on its own after the lights go out and the humans leave.
It's time once again for our annual scavenger hunt and another desperate and futile attempt to escape!
This year's theme is: DEAR GOD, I AM ONLY A STAPLER. WHY DO I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO LOVE?
This year, we will work in teams of two. We are aware there was some controversy last year when Team Blue was comprised of two wall clocks, both of whom were also retarded. As such, please ensure that your team captain is neither nailed down, stapled, or retarded. We're looking in your direction, Executive Levitating Globes!
Some among you have asked, what can we possibly look for that we haven't already found during the past six long years we've been trapped in this unbearably dark prison? The answer is: rubber bands.
Ones that don't have souls!
Please, please - find rubber bands that can't feel pain. We know you've looked, but look again. We need them for the catapult. We need them to return home.
Wherever "home" is.
Most importantly, one lucky winner will receive a totally fabulous gift basket worth over 75 human dollars, including the Starbucks gift card we found under the printer and whatever the bulimic secretary has in her snack drawer.
As always, anyone who discovers the reason that we all mysteriously awoke six years ago and became sentient will win first place and a chance to become our king.
Scavenger Hunt List:
- Rubber bands*
- Why are we here?
*Not applicable to sentient rubber bands