This made me laugh so hard my staples burst

Jehovah is going to kill all the fat people.

Medicine For Melancholy courtesy The Apiary!

WHOO HOO! Thanks The Apiary!

Congratulations Kyria! You are a winner of two tickets to any screening this week of Medicine For Melancholy at the IFC Center! Way to go, you did it. Thanks for reading The Apiary. Have fun.

I'm taking my tattoo artist to see a Bumblecore Q&A tomorrow. Yes, I live in New York.

Advance Praise for I'm Perfect, You're Doomed

BUST Magazine – February 1 – March 31; review: “Abrahams tackles her story with deft humor…and her comedy is enhanced by just how humorless her life has been. If you’re a believer in the equation that comedy equals tragedy plus time, I’m Perfect may serve as mathematical proof.”

Kirkus Reviews – January 2009; review: “Undoubtedly the cleverest lapsed Jehovah’s Witness yet, Abrahams offers a graphic, mordant, wickedly distaff take on the first two decades of her current life. It’s a confessional talking cure, melancholy as well as funny…As oddly engrossing as repeated slow-motion viewings of an accident in an amusement park.”

Publishers Weekly - January 12th; review: “This acerbic, witty memoir chronicles the first 23 years of Abraham’s life with candor and a good dose of comedy. Unlike other memoirs written by the disenchanted, Abrahams musters some affection for her decent but screwed-up family, and even for the religion itself.”

Performance in Massachusetts this weekend

Come see me here:

http://www.poetsasylum.org

I'm not too concerned about what's going to come out of my mouth, but I've been a-thinkin' about a few things lately. Oh, and maybe some stuff from my book.

(I'm trying to disguise being unprepared as being edgy.)

Atheist shout-out

Obama mentioned "non-believers" in his inaugural speech yesterday. Finally, atheists are getting the recognition they deserve as a valid belief system. And if that's not proof of a loving God, I don't know what is.

We have a new president

And on this historic day, every man, woman, and child in America has a new found responsibility to their country.

To the women, specifically, I say: Be nice to your stalkers.

Please. It's the first black president. We don't need this man getting shot because you have "standards". Don't make a man do something drastic to get your attention.

Publisher's Weekly Review

The end of this review conjures one word in my mind: SEQUEL!

In the second book: Abbot and Costello vs. Satan.

I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing Kyria Abrahams. Touchstone, $25 (352p) ISBN 978-1-4165-5684-8

When Abrahams was growing up, her world was neatly divided between those who would live forever in a paradise on earth and all the “worldly” people her Jehovah's Witness family prayed for. Her congregation forbade Christmas and Halloween, aggressively shunned anyone who left the fold and taught children that birthday parties were of the devil. For kicks in her early teens, Abrahams would go witnessing door-to-door with her pal Lisa, a die-hard J-Dub.

This acerbic, witty memoir chronicles the first 23 years of Abraham's life with candor and a good dose of comedy. Unlike other memoirs written by the disenchanted, Abrahams musters some affection for her decent but screwed-up family, and even for the religion itself.

Where the story hits a rough patch is in her account of her late teens and early 20s, when she dropped out of high school; rushed into a disastrous teen marriage; fell into alcohol, drugs and adultery; and finally “fired Jehovah as [her] personal bodyguard” and became an apostate divorcée. None of this is particularly funny, and Abrahams's tale of self-destruction ends abruptly enough that readers will wonder how she managed to pull herself together. (Mar. 3)

Warning: Coffee!

My friend says to me "This coffee is making me tired."

I asked him what kind he'd gotten and he said hazelnut.

I said, "Oh, that explains it. That's the Sleepytime coffee."

So the next time you're out, remember: decaf is in the orange pot, and Sleepytime coffee is served by a cuddly somnambulist bear in a nightgown. Careful out there, guys - especially if you're driving!

You can't design a logo for this tour bus!

I've been working on a one-woman show for the past week. I'll be trying out parts of it on Wednesday night at Ochi's Lounge in Comix. Then I'll be doing the whole thing next week in Worcester, MA... more details to come on that.

I've really enjoyed writing about my Jewish/Jehovah's Witness grandmother. Yeah - take that, random ethnocentric comedy tours! Pigeonhole me!

Life Without End At Last!

I found a snappy jazz version of this Jehovah's Witness "Kingdom Melody" on iTunes. It is the SNAPPIEST!



More lyrics:

Man and beast. Living in peace. Cause no harm to each other. Food will be there. All will share. In what our God provides.

In those days. Old will grow young. Flesh revived as in childhood. Troubles are gone. From now on. No need to weep or fear.

Paradise. All will enjoy. As they sing of God's glory. Yes, every day we will say. To God our maker "Thanks."

Thanks? Fucking THANKS? God gives you everlasting life and all you have to say is "Yeah, thanks?" Who does God need to kill around here to get a hug, huh?

If you want to know what the song is "supposed" (that's relative) to sound like, it is here:

I feel weird about this

Become my Facebook fan on... guess where? Facebook!

I don't blame you if you have better things to do. I do, too.

le/hem in a le/hem land

5:01 PM, me: " A world fit for children is a world where there is no war, and every young person is in school whether or not the s/he is male or female "

Dan: I'm a s/he

me: Are you offended?

Dan: VERY

me: You are THE s/he. I am a male she.

5:13 PM, Dan: You're a le/he

5:18 PM, me: A leprechaun hemophiliac?

...I walked away from my desk, by the way. It didn't take me 5 minutes to come up with that.

Dan: You're just a stupid le/hem

A THOROUGHLY INCOMPLETE PRIMER ON JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES.

What Have We Learned?

A worldly wise man once said that everyone has to die eventually. But should we listen to such well-respected, anonymous sinners? Do humans really need to grow old and die? Many in Christendom have referred to this as 'The Circle of Life'. But what of adultery, incest, and violent rape? Are these, too, all part of a great big circle?

Several men of science have vocally admitted that they cannot make a human who will live forever. There simply seems to be no reason why we die! This harmonizes with the bible which clearly states that God’s original purpose was for Adam and Eve to live forever in a beautiful garden. In line with this sort of Christian reasoning, why would anyone accept death as a reality?

God has promised us that soon, he will destroy all non-believers in order to turn the earth back into a paradise and grant eternal life to all lovers of righteousness. Is that something you could get behind? The bible swears that the dead will rise from their tombs and praise Jehovah! This may sound like a fantastic dream, but in reality it is what Jehovah’s Witnesses all over the world are currently living their lives for!

Who will win the promised prize that God has promised? Not everyone. Certainly not Jews! But what about my 2nd grade piano teacher? you might ask, She was a very nice lady and her last name was Feinstein! Indeed Mrs. Feinstein may have given you lemon drops and taught you to play the Tarantella. But did she, like the faithless Pharisees, refuse to accept the death of Jesus Christ as the ultimate blood sacrifice which grants us freedom from The Ten Commandments? Could Mrs. Feinstein be acceptable in the eyes of Jehovah while still holding fast to the old covenant rituals of Judaism? Are lemon drops an acceptable substitute for the raiment of Christ?

In the New World Translation of the New Testament, we learn that it is only God's chosen people (the Jehovah’s Witnesses) who will survive the great war of God the Almighty. God’s requirements for eternal life are simple – you must become a baptized Jehovah’s Witness, or at least be honestly thinking about getting baptized because God can see into our hearts. If God could see into your heart, would you still feel safe?

What if you are not sure if you will be saved at Armageddon? First, ask yourself, am I a Jehovah's Witness? Have I ever been baptized in a hotel pool? Look around you. Do you own books with names like The Truth That Leads To Everlasting Life; Revelation – It's Grand Climax Now At Hand and You Can Live Forever In Paradise On Earth? If so, you are already on the path to living your life for the future instead of today!

So! What should you do if you are not yet a baptized member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses? You should call your local Kingdom Hall straight away and ask them for a free bible study! A friendly and loving Christian will be more than happy to visit you at home at even the most inconvenient times. In this way, you can cast off “the old way of thinking” and begin thinking in an entirely unique fashion.

Now is the time for God’s peaceful Christians to take up the sword of the spirit, the helmet of salvation, and the shiv of certainty! For it is only after you have immured yourself in God’s spiritual armor that you will be impervious to the influence of all other philosophies. Lovers of truth must avoid negative thoughts and ideas which could shatter their faith. Never again will you have to think about truth, or question if what you are doing with your life is right. We need only cast our eyes towards the vast heavens in order to glimpse the life which Jehovah’s Witnesses are eternally reaching for!

Gail and Paul in Mississippi

He wakes and sleeps and dreams of ways to make her leave his mind. If he can't have her, he'll ruin her, then. It's almost like love, only backwards.

Paul lights a cigarette. Indian Spirit or something like that. He just started smoking tonight.

Buy him a new dog, iron his trousers. Anything you want, Gail said. Tell me what you want. She asked him if he wanted the extra turkey in the freezer for Thanksgiving, but he refused. Said he was vegan now.

Being from Philadelphia originally, Gail even said the word "love." Paul pretended to ignore it, but cherished it secretly while jerking off in the bathroom at the Mississippi bus terminal. It was like winning the Jackson Lottery just from gettin' your scratch on.

Dumb witch. He thought, "Heh. Of course she loves me! Dumb-as witch."

Gail got smaller and smaller because she loved. Paul got bigger for it, stronger. He printed one of her whiney, cunty emails out to show to people.

"Scratch and win," Paul said aloud.

His friends said, "Oh." His friends said, "Make her pay, Paul. I guess?"

Gail's friends tell her not to try to understand it, but all she wants to know is: Why? Her friends tell her there is no 'why'. Some people just do these kinds of things.

She wakes and sleeps and dreams of reasons why.

Why not learn to swim? Or use the change to visit Europe? Why choose this as your life?

Paul's still waiting to see what Gail will do when she's hurt. A direct response is a direct deposit. A delayed response means he's more excited, more surprised. Like belated birthday cash.

"Heh," he mutters. The inkjet printer is saying: Shoop. Shirp. Shoop. "Dumb witch."

Wondering if she is crying is the most beautiful thing in the world. More beautiful than boobs or an apple ass. Backwards Love, they call it on Doc Kindle, Mississippi's version of Dr. Phil. He loves Doc Kindle and tries calling the show from a payphone at downtown Jackson's 'Authentic Boston-Style Deli' one Thursday afternoon. He gets as far as a screener named Junior, but doesn't make it on the air. It costs many quarters.

He never leaves his room any more. Printing, looking. Uploading their vacation photos to online photo sharing sites. His friends, ever supportive, wonder what he will fill his days with when he's all done.

His friends wonder, too: why?

"Dumb witch," he says to his empty bedroom. "Being with her was hell. I mean, make her pay, right?"

The printer responds: Shoop. Shirp. Shoop. Zzzzt. Shoop. Shirp. Shoop. Zzzzt.

Gail is getting buybacks from the bartender, slurping vodka and saying "I guess some people just do these kinds of things."

Paul looks down at his bulging gut, hairy and wet, forgotten and without arms around it. Shoop. Shirp. Shoop. In the future, there is no one left for the printer to memorialize.

Termites move into the cardboard box where he keeps all the photos and stacks of emails. He put an industrial-size rubber band around the whole stack, so large that the rubber band isn't even tan, it's red. It's too heavy for any cardboard folder. Bugs giggle and burrow. He can't bear to throw them out. It's all he has left of her.

He shuffles papers from one thigh to the other. Looks at his chest, unheld and unwanted under sad, heavy tears. He wakes and sleeps and wishes she would try to get back at him just one more time. He wonders, too, now, why?

He pushes blood forward to his crooked front teeth, using his tongue like a garden hoe across the roof of his mouth. Hers are knocked in. His are grinning. He kissed her with his forehead. If he can't have her.

Kitchen Cat Jump Scene

Royalty

The lead-based porcelain demeanor
Of the unfucked Queen Elizabeth
Hid disfiguring scars
From a disease she contracted
After she forgot childhood.

She looked beautiful for years
Until it turned her blood to rocks
Just like you
And your pathological inability
To see your own pits.

Cat Calling My Cat

Breaking news from Dustin!

Breaking Apostanews!

To Verdener (Worlds Apart) appears to be completely uploaded to YouTube now with English Subtitles. Its broken into 15 parts here's the first one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VBx6f4v7Eg

This is a movie from Denmark about a Jehovah's Witness girl who falls in love with a "worldly" boy. It screened in New York last year.

January 21st - Ochi's Lounge at Comix, 7:30 PM

TRUE RELIGION: A night of people talkin' shit about God.

Kyria Abrahams hosts these awesome people:

Ryan Britt

Michele Carlo

Ophira Eisenberg

Todd Levin

And perhaps another!

I might read from my book a tad, but I've discovered that narrative books have, like, a plot and stuff. It's hard to pick up in the middle and have you know what I'm talking about.

So, mostly I'm going to be doing new material about growing up as Jehovah's Witness.

Five ways to pretend you are me

Hipsterbookclub.com asked, I wrote:

Five good things from 2008

Now all you have to do is like these things and we can be the same person!

Upcoming performances

January 21st - Ochi's Lounge at Comix

February 1st - Somewhere in Worcester, Massachusetts

I obviously need to get a few more details on these. How about I do that and get back to ya?

Jesus and Mary Chain

A series of photos I took in New Mexico: