Thursday, June 25, 2009
This is Thriller
Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this heart attack in no way endorses a belief in the occult.
I can no longer live a lie
I live alone, and I admit that I cross-dress. When no one is looking, I wear pants.
God, I feel so much lighter now!
God, I feel so much lighter now!
Charles Bukowski speaks from the dead
"Oh, come on. You READ it, and that's all you got? You didn't get the part where I cried in bed? Tears came to my face... I mean, no, there are many moments in there where I look like a complete asshole and I felt like one. No, no, I just wasn't jumping into bed and jumping out of bed and fucking, I'm sorry... where do you get this crap, baby? I don't know where you get your concepts from, man. You're really fucked up."
Thanks, gin-soaked dead man. You speak for all of us who choose not to pretend we are beautiful.
Thanks, gin-soaked dead man. You speak for all of us who choose not to pretend we are beautiful.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Agent Obvious
Follow my awesome agent, Laurie Abkemier on Twitter and get great advice on the confusing process of querying from her Agent Obvious tips!
AGENT OBVIOUS TIP OF THE DAY: Never submit your own jacket design. Ideas, images, examples of prev. published books are okay. No designs.
AGENT OBVIOUS TIP OF THE DAY: Never submit your own jacket design. Ideas, images, examples of prev. published books are okay. No designs.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Our wedding
I have found a suitable marriage mate and today we are to be bound together by the cord of Jehovah's love in the presence of God and his true witnesses. Now the two will become three.
Won't you join us at our feast?
We are a jewelry box made by Jehovah. Perhaps you have noticed we are an ethnically diverse couple? We are not of the same race. Jehovah is fine with this.
Here is our flower girl, peeking out from behind the jail where we had our reception. We chose a modest location.
Here we are roasting a pig with a blow torch. Join us!
The pig will be filled with hot dog soup. If this is cold, my husband will beat me.
IT'S MOTHERFUCKING TIME FOR SALAD!
These are pigs in a trunk. We gave them away as wedding favors.
Well! Congratulations to me, a spiritual stay-at-home wife and her new Head of Household who only beats me when my soup is cold. We are blessed because other religions are incapable of love.
Won't you join us at our feast?
We are a jewelry box made by Jehovah. Perhaps you have noticed we are an ethnically diverse couple? We are not of the same race. Jehovah is fine with this.
Here is our flower girl, peeking out from behind the jail where we had our reception. We chose a modest location. 
Here we are roasting a pig with a blow torch. Join us!
The pig will be filled with hot dog soup. If this is cold, my husband will beat me.
IT'S MOTHERFUCKING TIME FOR SALAD!
These are pigs in a trunk. We gave them away as wedding favors. Well! Congratulations to me, a spiritual stay-at-home wife and her new Head of Household who only beats me when my soup is cold. We are blessed because other religions are incapable of love.
Monday, June 22, 2009
A fun party game! Sometimes.
When you have a voice-recognition program on your computer, it's a funny joke to make it say offensive words, like cunt or cocksucker or asswipe.
People will always think this is entertaining. Except probably for blind people. Because they think of it more as a tool for survival.
(Don't let that stop you, though! At your next party, just lock all blind people in the closet. Tell them it's a jacuzzi.)
People will always think this is entertaining. Except probably for blind people. Because they think of it more as a tool for survival.
(Don't let that stop you, though! At your next party, just lock all blind people in the closet. Tell them it's a jacuzzi.)
Website I'M PERFECT giveaway
The Reader's Response website is giving away two copies of my book. I don't why, but hey - thank you website people!
Light-hearted and irreverant, Abrahams bears no obvious malice over her upbringing, she simply sees the humor in it. And there's definately something to be said for that.
Everyone has a different opinion of my book and how much I blame the Jehovah's Witnesses for what happened. Go figure!
At the risk of sounding like a QVC Host: Hey America, is this book perfect, or is it doomed? I guess you'll just have to pick up a copy and see for yourself. Only YOU can be the judge!
Light-hearted and irreverant, Abrahams bears no obvious malice over her upbringing, she simply sees the humor in it. And there's definately something to be said for that.
Everyone has a different opinion of my book and how much I blame the Jehovah's Witnesses for what happened. Go figure!
At the risk of sounding like a QVC Host: Hey America, is this book perfect, or is it doomed? I guess you'll just have to pick up a copy and see for yourself. Only YOU can be the judge!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I'M PERFECT on the Page 99 Test
"Open the book to page ninety-nine and read, and the quality of the whole will be revealed to you." --Ford Madox Ford
Page 99 Test
Page 99 Test
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Jehovah's Witness Photosnaps of the Day
Sometimes, I look through photos of Jehovah's Witnesses on Flickr.
This photo was titled "Study of book". Apparently Borat is a Jehovah's Witness. The chair in the back is left empty out of respect for the evils of colonialization.
You might recognize this well-appointed Kingdom Hall from the 1980-1986 TV series starring Jim J. Bullock: Too Close For Comfort.
This goes to prove that if you are gay, God will steal your interior decorating ideas and have your sitcom taken off the air and then make you hang out with Tammy Faye.
HOLY SHIT WE LOVE CHIPS IN SMALL BAGS! WHEEEEE! EVERYBODY COME AND HAVE A REACH INTO THE CHIPS THAT WE LOVE! JEHOVAH'S PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED TO HAVE CHIPS IN A SMALL BAG! BEST! DAY! EVER!! IN A BAG! WHO SAYS CHRISTIANS CAN'T HAVE FUN FUN FUN??
Trash here? Elderly? Biblical garb? Disinterested old people? The Mona Lisa needs no commentary.
This photo was titled "Study of book". Apparently Borat is a Jehovah's Witness. The chair in the back is left empty out of respect for the evils of colonialization.
You might recognize this well-appointed Kingdom Hall from the 1980-1986 TV series starring Jim J. Bullock: Too Close For Comfort.
This goes to prove that if you are gay, God will steal your interior decorating ideas and have your sitcom taken off the air and then make you hang out with Tammy Faye.
HOLY SHIT WE LOVE CHIPS IN SMALL BAGS! WHEEEEE! EVERYBODY COME AND HAVE A REACH INTO THE CHIPS THAT WE LOVE! JEHOVAH'S PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED TO HAVE CHIPS IN A SMALL BAG! BEST! DAY! EVER!! IN A BAG! WHO SAYS CHRISTIANS CAN'T HAVE FUN FUN FUN??
Trash here? Elderly? Biblical garb? Disinterested old people? The Mona Lisa needs no commentary.
Wherein I become the subject of a YouTube fight
According to some, my book proves the Jehovah's Witnesses right. I showed that when you leave the religion, you become a miserable drug-addicted Satanic whore.
The truth (not that it matters) is this: I'm sober, Buddhist-y, working for a non-profit in the coolest gosh-damn city in the whole world, and happily single. Like most miserable heathens, I spend my free time taking photos, going to the gym, or having dinner with friends (all of whom are warlocks and thieves).
Most importantly, I spent three years diligently writing and publishing a book, which has been the most fulfilling and amazing experience of my life.
This is what happens to you when you leave the Jehovah's Witnesses: you take up photography and creative writing and eat a lot of Thai food. Sometimes I listen to audiobooks. Satan clearly has me in his clutches.
If you are raised as a Jehovah's Witness, when you leave the organization, you will be a naive retard. There's no way around it. You will screw up your life for a little while, because no one taught you how to live in the real world. You will need to learn by making mistakes.
If the Jehovah's Witnesses want to use unavoidable growing pains as proof of the voracity of their religion, I can't stop them. That's like pretending your muscles don't ache when you first start working out.
The Jehovah's Witnesses twist everything to fit their own world view, and they will twist this, too. That is to say: I disagee. What happened to me at the end of the book isn't proving them right because they don't allow themselves to be proven wrong. That's why I don't argue with Jehovah's Witnesses. Debating them only bolsters their narcissistic view of themselves as solitary martyrs.
According to the video below, however, I'm Perfect, You're Doomed is "The greatest book ever written". Damn. Um, thank you!? It isn't, but thank you.
The truth (not that it matters) is this: I'm sober, Buddhist-y, working for a non-profit in the coolest gosh-damn city in the whole world, and happily single. Like most miserable heathens, I spend my free time taking photos, going to the gym, or having dinner with friends (all of whom are warlocks and thieves).
Most importantly, I spent three years diligently writing and publishing a book, which has been the most fulfilling and amazing experience of my life.
This is what happens to you when you leave the Jehovah's Witnesses: you take up photography and creative writing and eat a lot of Thai food. Sometimes I listen to audiobooks. Satan clearly has me in his clutches.
If you are raised as a Jehovah's Witness, when you leave the organization, you will be a naive retard. There's no way around it. You will screw up your life for a little while, because no one taught you how to live in the real world. You will need to learn by making mistakes.
If the Jehovah's Witnesses want to use unavoidable growing pains as proof of the voracity of their religion, I can't stop them. That's like pretending your muscles don't ache when you first start working out.
The Jehovah's Witnesses twist everything to fit their own world view, and they will twist this, too. That is to say: I disagee. What happened to me at the end of the book isn't proving them right because they don't allow themselves to be proven wrong. That's why I don't argue with Jehovah's Witnesses. Debating them only bolsters their narcissistic view of themselves as solitary martyrs.
According to the video below, however, I'm Perfect, You're Doomed is "The greatest book ever written". Damn. Um, thank you!? It isn't, but thank you.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Moby - Wait For Me
In 1997, I left a cult. As is the nature of all fertile young women blossoming into an existential crisis, my escape had a soundtrack. In this case, it was Moby: Everything is Wrong, and Moby: I Like To Score, and Tori Amos: Boys For Pele (because nothing says "deprogramming from an apocalyptic sect" like harpsichords).
Everything is Wrong, mainly, was onomatopoeia to my headspace. It was just as intense. Everything was wrong. I was - for the first time in my life - “feeling so real”. My choices now had consequences that couldn’t be fixed by an impending eternal life on paradise.
The album seemed to be saying: “You’re not immortal, but maybe we can dance.”
This lasted until the day I had to choose between buying weed or buying breakfast. I took a handful of CDs, including Everything is Wrong, to Tom's Tracks where all the RISD kids hung out. I bought stems and seeds and smoked them over an omelet.
I didn’t own any more Moby after that point. I stopped dating a raver and started dating a goth. I shaved the back of my head and talked about Haujobb and Skinny Puppy and couldn’t figure out why everyone thought I was a lesbian.
Moby was too clean for me, then, too slickly produced. It was like a brightly lit hotel lobby. There was nothing wrong with it, I just wasn’t inclined to hang out there.
I don't respond to music which sounds too perfect, in the same way I prefer film to digital. If Play is as crisp and uniform as the viewfinder on a prosumer SLR, the songs on Wait For Me are the black and white negatives of a Hasselblad hung on clothespins across the bathroom.
On the whole, the album conjures the dirty melodies of The Cure or Joy Division or Brian Eno, although no one song embodies it as a parody. Perhaps it seems nostalgic by virtue of being so heartfelt.
The nicest surprise is that the past use of overly-trained female vocals has been replaced by throaty honesty in the style of PJ Harvey. And there are echoes. Songs feel acoustic, but aren’t.
Ghost Return is ethereal and new agey, while Wait For Me is like the click of a metal fan in Cat Power’s hot, empty room. Walk With Me is a wrenching spiritual as sung on a mattress on the floor. But the standout song was the lonely instrumental Isolate, which resonated with me in such a way that I wanted to transcribe it and sneak into a music school and play it myself.
I can see Wait For Me being performed in the orchestra pit of a forgotten auditorium, under peeling ceilings and ripped velvet curtains. I would certainly suffer the broken springs of broken theater seating poking the backs of my thighs in order to experience it. Sitting in modern, comfortable chairs somehow seems like it would be missing the point.
(Exclusive First Listen of Wait For Me is at NPR.org)
Everything is Wrong, mainly, was onomatopoeia to my headspace. It was just as intense. Everything was wrong. I was - for the first time in my life - “feeling so real”. My choices now had consequences that couldn’t be fixed by an impending eternal life on paradise.
The album seemed to be saying: “You’re not immortal, but maybe we can dance.”
This lasted until the day I had to choose between buying weed or buying breakfast. I took a handful of CDs, including Everything is Wrong, to Tom's Tracks where all the RISD kids hung out. I bought stems and seeds and smoked them over an omelet.
I didn’t own any more Moby after that point. I stopped dating a raver and started dating a goth. I shaved the back of my head and talked about Haujobb and Skinny Puppy and couldn’t figure out why everyone thought I was a lesbian.
Moby was too clean for me, then, too slickly produced. It was like a brightly lit hotel lobby. There was nothing wrong with it, I just wasn’t inclined to hang out there.
I don't respond to music which sounds too perfect, in the same way I prefer film to digital. If Play is as crisp and uniform as the viewfinder on a prosumer SLR, the songs on Wait For Me are the black and white negatives of a Hasselblad hung on clothespins across the bathroom.
On the whole, the album conjures the dirty melodies of The Cure or Joy Division or Brian Eno, although no one song embodies it as a parody. Perhaps it seems nostalgic by virtue of being so heartfelt.
The nicest surprise is that the past use of overly-trained female vocals has been replaced by throaty honesty in the style of PJ Harvey. And there are echoes. Songs feel acoustic, but aren’t.
Ghost Return is ethereal and new agey, while Wait For Me is like the click of a metal fan in Cat Power’s hot, empty room. Walk With Me is a wrenching spiritual as sung on a mattress on the floor. But the standout song was the lonely instrumental Isolate, which resonated with me in such a way that I wanted to transcribe it and sneak into a music school and play it myself.
I can see Wait For Me being performed in the orchestra pit of a forgotten auditorium, under peeling ceilings and ripped velvet curtains. I would certainly suffer the broken springs of broken theater seating poking the backs of my thighs in order to experience it. Sitting in modern, comfortable chairs somehow seems like it would be missing the point.
(Exclusive First Listen of Wait For Me is at NPR.org)
Best email I've gotten
I should hate you but I'm laughing
You crack me up! I should hate you because you're making fun of us and you wrote this book against JW's, but I am laughing my but off watching you pretend to be different Witnesses. You're also the sexiest apostate I've ever seen! Yeah, I'd get DF'd for a piece of that.
jim
You crack me up! I should hate you because you're making fun of us and you wrote this book against JW's, but I am laughing my but off watching you pretend to be different Witnesses. You're also the sexiest apostate I've ever seen! Yeah, I'd get DF'd for a piece of that.
jim
Monday, June 15, 2009
Reviewed in the Washington Times along with Joe Queenan
Losing Their Religion
Two new memoirs... suggest a surprisingly common, brutal calculus employed by former fervent believers. When religion ceases to be useful to us, apostasy is almost a given.
Two new memoirs... suggest a surprisingly common, brutal calculus employed by former fervent believers. When religion ceases to be useful to us, apostasy is almost a given.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
When an 'enhanced cd' meant they came with floppy discs
While searching the alt.frequencies disc mentioned in the previous post, I also found this odd little thingamagiggy of an album:
EBN: Telecommunicaton Breakdown.
It came with a floppy disc.
The cardboard case notes that I should have a 256 color monitor and 2.5 megs of free RAM.
Of course, I immediately threw away the floppy and ripped half the cover so it would fit in my cd binder.
Because, hell, why would a floppy disc that comes with a CD ever be interesting to anyone? It's the 1990's. Soon, all CDs will come with floppy discs. Yawn! Toss it!
EBN: Telecommunicaton Breakdown.
It came with a floppy disc.
The cardboard case notes that I should have a 256 color monitor and 2.5 megs of free RAM.
Of course, I immediately threw away the floppy and ripped half the cover so it would fit in my cd binder.
Because, hell, why would a floppy disc that comes with a CD ever be interesting to anyone? It's the 1990's. Soon, all CDs will come with floppy discs. Yawn! Toss it!
"His new album currently being recorded is the dopest"
I like Freezepop. I saw them open for Cibo Matto at a movie theater in Somerville in 2001 and immediately wrote an "OMG U GUYS ARE SOOOO TALENTED" letter to the band and they were happy and then sent me everything they had ever been associated with, namely some chill electronica called Symbion Project and something called Splashdown, who later had a song on the Titan AE soundtrack.
Actually, they didn't even mail it to me. They dropped it on my porch and it was there when I got home.
Now that is fuckin' indie.
I remember I started listening to a lot of Lamb at that point, because one of the band members listed them as an influence. I didn't like them, but I listened to them, along with a drum n' bass cd from 1998 that I found in an alley or under a soda machine in the break room of Newbury Comics or something.
It is this:
"His new album currently being recorded is the dopest and has the wildest sounds around."
I would also like to note: "In the mould of Aphex Twin", "electro-grunge" and the phrase: "This drum n' bass tune is in full effect."
Alternative frequencies. Couldn't come up with a more 1998 name if I tried. Unless that name is: Lamb.
Fat, chilled out electronica? Manchester-based Billie Holiday-inspired vocals? And why? Because of you, Freezepop. I did it all for you.
Now, it's eight years later, and I just discovered that they put out a new EP. So. I will buy that.
I hear they are returning with some funky breakbleeps.
Actually, they didn't even mail it to me. They dropped it on my porch and it was there when I got home.
Now that is fuckin' indie.
I remember I started listening to a lot of Lamb at that point, because one of the band members listed them as an influence. I didn't like them, but I listened to them, along with a drum n' bass cd from 1998 that I found in an alley or under a soda machine in the break room of Newbury Comics or something.
It is this:
"His new album currently being recorded is the dopest and has the wildest sounds around."
I would also like to note: "In the mould of Aphex Twin", "electro-grunge" and the phrase: "This drum n' bass tune is in full effect."
Alternative frequencies. Couldn't come up with a more 1998 name if I tried. Unless that name is: Lamb.
Fat, chilled out electronica? Manchester-based Billie Holiday-inspired vocals? And why? Because of you, Freezepop. I did it all for you.
Now, it's eight years later, and I just discovered that they put out a new EP. So. I will buy that.
I hear they are returning with some funky breakbleeps.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Goodbye yellow brick message board
I am deleting the message board section off the website. I neglected it and now it is full of weeds.
Apologies to anyone who has posted there.
By way of an alternative: if you're not on the 'I'm Perfect, You're Doomed' Facebook group, definitely check it out. It's a very active community of almost 600 members, all of whom are sexy.
And - who knows, you may just find true love. And buy horses. And die happy and surrounded by great-great grandchildren. You can thank me later.
You can also add me as a friend.
Or, both.
Or, neither.
But I recommend the Facebook group. It's aposta-tastic!
(By the way - I bought every product that was advertised on my web-board. I felt obliged. Does anyone need an extremely enlarged set of testicles?)
Apologies to anyone who has posted there.
By way of an alternative: if you're not on the 'I'm Perfect, You're Doomed' Facebook group, definitely check it out. It's a very active community of almost 600 members, all of whom are sexy.
And - who knows, you may just find true love. And buy horses. And die happy and surrounded by great-great grandchildren. You can thank me later.
You can also add me as a friend.
Or, both.
Or, neither.
But I recommend the Facebook group. It's aposta-tastic!
(By the way - I bought every product that was advertised on my web-board. I felt obliged. Does anyone need an extremely enlarged set of testicles?)
I sneer at my own writing
Reading at Seaburn Books, Astoria's best local bookseller. I appear highly annoyed by myself.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Somber Records
In 1960, Tom and Jerry got Czechoslovakian. An animator in Prague named Gene Deitch took over the art direction, and the cartoon ceased to be slick and art deco with splashes of acceptable racism and became what I would describe as "extremely unsettling". They are slow-paced and surreal and should probably be packaged by the Criterian Collection.
I remember watching these as a kid and not being able to figure out what was different. The moon was drawn with harsh angles. The pacing was odd. There were a lot of vibraphones. I knew something was amiss, but couldn't quite put my finger on what or why. So I cowered under my beanbag and watched Tóm vÃc Jérry and then wondered why the soft hair on my forearms stood erect and the room felt inexplicably barren.
The below episode - Buddies Thicker Than Water - takes place during this ultra-mod, ultra-creepy period. It's like Valerie and Her Week of Wonders fell into a Bo Concepts.
First of all, Jerry has an Eames chair and is into cubism. Secondly, when the "lady of the house" screams upon seeing a mouse, it's bloodcurdling. Thirdly, Tom and Jerry open about five bottles of Brut and get really fucked up. I don't mean they get cartoon tipsy, I mean they get blackout drunk and then Tom gets violent and betrays Jerry and tries to murder him.
The moral of this cartoon? Trust no one, children. If the Czechoslovakians can teach us anything: trust no one.
Chilling.
(around 6:5o - I think that's a scene from The Shining.)
I remember watching these as a kid and not being able to figure out what was different. The moon was drawn with harsh angles. The pacing was odd. There were a lot of vibraphones. I knew something was amiss, but couldn't quite put my finger on what or why. So I cowered under my beanbag and watched Tóm vÃc Jérry and then wondered why the soft hair on my forearms stood erect and the room felt inexplicably barren.
The below episode - Buddies Thicker Than Water - takes place during this ultra-mod, ultra-creepy period. It's like Valerie and Her Week of Wonders fell into a Bo Concepts.
First of all, Jerry has an Eames chair and is into cubism. Secondly, when the "lady of the house" screams upon seeing a mouse, it's bloodcurdling. Thirdly, Tom and Jerry open about five bottles of Brut and get really fucked up. I don't mean they get cartoon tipsy, I mean they get blackout drunk and then Tom gets violent and betrays Jerry and tries to murder him.
The moral of this cartoon? Trust no one, children. If the Czechoslovakians can teach us anything: trust no one.
Chilling.
(around 6:5o - I think that's a scene from The Shining.)
My bank doesn't know me
Dear Chase,
I think this relationship is doomed.
You have clearly mistaken me for a well-adjusted, family-oriented high school graduate who attended school dances and actually knows the birthdays of her family members.
I cannot answer your secret questions. I think it's time for me to see other online checking accounts.
You and I are just... too different.
Alternate questions for Kyria:
1. What is the name of the first graveyard you wrote bad poetry in?
2. Why did your parents stay married?
3. What was the first holiday-themed party you weren't allowed to attend?
4. Name the first friendly gay person that made you question your religious views.
5. Where was your worst mezcal hangover?
6. What did you do instead of attending the prom?
7. Where are you broken?
8. Why? Why? WHY?
I think this relationship is doomed.
You have clearly mistaken me for a well-adjusted, family-oriented high school graduate who attended school dances and actually knows the birthdays of her family members.
I cannot answer your secret questions. I think it's time for me to see other online checking accounts.
You and I are just... too different.
Alternate questions for Kyria:
1. What is the name of the first graveyard you wrote bad poetry in?
2. Why did your parents stay married?
3. What was the first holiday-themed party you weren't allowed to attend?
4. Name the first friendly gay person that made you question your religious views.
5. Where was your worst mezcal hangover?
6. What did you do instead of attending the prom?
7. Where are you broken?
8. Why? Why? WHY?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Prince thinks the earth is gonna swallow me whole
Prince is a Jehovah's Witness. His behavior is Jehovah's Witnessy. See below:
Does Prince’s Religion Forbid Necessary Hip Replacement?
Prince, although he is Prince, does everything that other Jehovah's Witnesses do - eschews birthdays, believes in Armageddon, and shuns apostates. Apostates... like me.
In other words, I just realized that Prince probably knows who I am.
And, if Prince knows who I am: Prince probably hates me.
OMG U GUYS!!!!
Does Prince’s Religion Forbid Necessary Hip Replacement?
Prince, although he is Prince, does everything that other Jehovah's Witnesses do - eschews birthdays, believes in Armageddon, and shuns apostates. Apostates... like me.
In other words, I just realized that Prince probably knows who I am.
And, if Prince knows who I am: Prince probably hates me.
OMG U GUYS!!!!
Interview time
I have a radio interview this morning and it sounds like they're replacing the walls, ceiling, floor, and air in the apartment downstairs. How can any one job involve so much banging at 9 AM?
If a pipe bursts while I'm talking, I'll just pretend it's the apocalypse and use it as a publicity stunt.
Listen to me live at 11 AM EST:
Tron in the Morning
If a pipe bursts while I'm talking, I'll just pretend it's the apocalypse and use it as a publicity stunt.
Listen to me live at 11 AM EST:
Tron in the Morning
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Recognized by canoers
Finally! I have been name-checked by the Atikokan Progress, in their column: 'Books n' Things'. The paper's tag line is: The canoeing capital of Canada.
"Who says a discussion of religious fundamentalism has to be serious?" asks the Atikokan Progress.
Not these two guys!
But hey now, Atikokan Progress, I ask this in return: who says canoeing has to be serious?
That is why my next book: A HEARTBREAKING CANOE OF STAGGERING CANOES, is going to turn the world of canoeing narrative non-fiction on its bow. Or... its stern. Whichever! It just needs to start to sink and get water in it, is what I'm saying here.
Marketing and Promotion of CANOES
A HEARTBREAKING CANOE OF STAGGERING CANOES is a comedic romp that will appeal to young, hip professionals between the ages of 24 and 26 who read Pitchfork, watch The Colbert Report, and eat Korean food at least once a week. Readers who finished Portrait of the Artist of a Young Man in high school will love CANOE/CANOES. Collectors of expensive Japanese toys will purchase CANOE/CANOES but leave it in the plastic. Babies under the age of three will be confused by CANOE/CANOES and may regurgitate peas. A HEARTBREAKING CANOE OF STAGGERING CANOES will tear your loving family apart.
"Who says a discussion of religious fundamentalism has to be serious?" asks the Atikokan Progress.
Not these two guys!
But hey now, Atikokan Progress, I ask this in return: who says canoeing has to be serious?
That is why my next book: A HEARTBREAKING CANOE OF STAGGERING CANOES, is going to turn the world of canoeing narrative non-fiction on its bow. Or... its stern. Whichever! It just needs to start to sink and get water in it, is what I'm saying here.
Marketing and Promotion of CANOES
A HEARTBREAKING CANOE OF STAGGERING CANOES is a comedic romp that will appeal to young, hip professionals between the ages of 24 and 26 who read Pitchfork, watch The Colbert Report, and eat Korean food at least once a week. Readers who finished Portrait of the Artist of a Young Man in high school will love CANOE/CANOES. Collectors of expensive Japanese toys will purchase CANOE/CANOES but leave it in the plastic. Babies under the age of three will be confused by CANOE/CANOES and may regurgitate peas. A HEARTBREAKING CANOE OF STAGGERING CANOES will tear your loving family apart.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Kmareka.com likes my book
Read her nice comments here:
Demon-haunted Pawtucket
"She’s outrageously honest without self-pity."
Wow, what a cool thing to say. Thank you, Nancy!
(And, sadly, I think that's also why I haven't done a better job publicizing my book.)
Demon-haunted Pawtucket
"She’s outrageously honest without self-pity."
Wow, what a cool thing to say. Thank you, Nancy!
(And, sadly, I think that's also why I haven't done a better job publicizing my book.)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Cave17 Review of I'm Perfect, You're Doomed
Cave17 says:
"The funniest book I’ve read in a long time.".
I'm right above a review of a live Autechre recording from 1996, which makes me feel way more indie than I could ever be. I need my fans to all wear Haujobb t-shirts and work at vegetarian restaurants.
How's the tofu-goji tart with soy whip tonight, Neil? I love your Banksy tattoo! Is your girlfriend still working at Vice? Did you see the review of my book above the review of a live Autechre recording from 1996...? Of course you did!
"The funniest book I’ve read in a long time.".
I'm right above a review of a live Autechre recording from 1996, which makes me feel way more indie than I could ever be. I need my fans to all wear Haujobb t-shirts and work at vegetarian restaurants.
How's the tofu-goji tart with soy whip tonight, Neil? I love your Banksy tattoo! Is your girlfriend still working at Vice? Did you see the review of my book above the review of a live Autechre recording from 1996...? Of course you did!
Exposing your nekkid naughty bits
I think this person really got the gist of the book, or what I was attempting to do, anyway. Thanks, Dorian!
From Gather.com
And Stories From Korea also grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, and says the book changed her life! Quote: "Reading a book about your own experience makes you realize you're not quite as crazy and alone as you might have thought."
Meanwhile, this fellow wants to strangle me and chuck the bird at me. A few people disagree with him, but I guess he doesn't know my deepest fetish. I'm a... Birdchucker. I attend 'BC-Con' yearly in Toronto. I'm also a Big Baby/cannibal with a teeny-tiny Asian women fetish who is currently dressed as a plush rabbit and wearing inflatable latex socks. Thank you, internet!
Anyhow, I'm proud to be a spokesman for all the former losers, nutballs and rejects in this world. We sucked, and we won't apologize for it!
There is... hope!
p.s. I also once made an amateur porno with a sugar glider.
From Gather.com
And Stories From Korea also grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, and says the book changed her life! Quote: "Reading a book about your own experience makes you realize you're not quite as crazy and alone as you might have thought."
Meanwhile, this fellow wants to strangle me and chuck the bird at me. A few people disagree with him, but I guess he doesn't know my deepest fetish. I'm a... Birdchucker. I attend 'BC-Con' yearly in Toronto. I'm also a Big Baby/cannibal with a teeny-tiny Asian women fetish who is currently dressed as a plush rabbit and wearing inflatable latex socks. Thank you, internet!
Anyhow, I'm proud to be a spokesman for all the former losers, nutballs and rejects in this world. We sucked, and we won't apologize for it!
There is... hope!
p.s. I also once made an amateur porno with a sugar glider.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
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